Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, bringing a range of experiences and emotions for those in intimate relationships and for those that are not. With the emphasis on mind-reading that the day brings, I admire the brave souls who dive headfirst into the celebration of this thorny day. My son was asking me what females (let’s be honest, girls) really want on V-Day. A little surprised, I was very honoured that he would consider me an expert. We decided was that the best thing for V-Day was a meaningful gesture that reflected the intensity of the relationship that was also fun and a bit out of the ordinary.
Studies over the years support what many people intuitively seem to know – there is a correlation between positive relationships and good health. Although experts are not exactly sure how relationships impact health, research correlated at Duke Integrative Medicine suggests that there are several possible explanations. Some suggest that your near and dear help you control your negative lifestyle behaviors. Other research suggests that good relationships may help us feel more positive and less depressed. Still others feel the value is in providing a sense of belonging, stability, security, purpose and self worth. Having strong social networks can help buffer us from the impact of stressful events.
It’s a truism that good relationships are built on communication – open, honest is best. For most of us, our focus is on how we’re communicating – the mood, the tone, what we’re saying and when we’re saying it. But there’s a whole other level that we love about our favourite people – the art of listening. A really great listener is totally present when we’re whining about our latest escapades. They don’t judge us, they don’t jump in with unrelated experiences . . . they give us that most precious of gifts – their attention. And they have a genuine, curious interest in our experiences.
My favourite motivational, self-help guy, Choose a low risk conversation to practice with. Decide that for the duration of this conversation, you will practice the hidden art of “listening while talking”.
- Set the intention of keeping your attention on the other person when you are listening and when you are talking. If you notice your attention wandering or you become aware that you’ve “gone inside” your head, gently bring your attention back to the other person.
- When you can keep your attention firmly on the other person and still make intelligent conversation, you are ready to bring this skill to bear in your more important conversations.
Another approach I think I’ll start trying with those high-risk special occasions is telling people what would make the day a really great experience for me. Imagine, bypassing the mind reading and just being open and upfront about what would make me happy!