by Deirdre | Feb 21, 2014 | Healthy Mind, Mindful living
The world can be a busy, overwhelming, noisy pushy place. I don’t know about you, but it’s hard to tap into my true motivation to stay healthy and balanced. I’m always looking for a soothing oasis of calm and comfort to regain a sense of internal harmony. I do better when those oases involve breathing, tea and moments of mindfulness. These are the “good” habit that I need to make room for in my life.
But staying with these kinds of good habits is deceptively difficult. They seem to be put to the backburner when other people’s needs rise up. It was worth doing some digging to find out a way to help me stick to them. A straightforward method has been developed by BJ Fogg. His method depends on picking the “right seed” – a tiny behavior that is a gateway to a steady habit. Then you pick the “right spot” in your day – adding it just after something you’re already doing. Coaxing it to grow depends on motivation.
Fogg doesn’t really believe in motivation. He feels that if you pick the right small behavior and sequence it right, then you won’t have to motivate yourself to have it grow. It will just happen naturally, like a good seed planted in a good spot. He claims that you don’t need to reach inside to find your true motivation. If you set it up right the new habits will flow like water.
This sounds good, but I’m betting we all have a trail of broken resolutions behind us. So we know instinctively that the story is more complex than this. There always comes a time when the effort of planning for this effortless moment is competing with something easier or more fun or soothing. The planning doesn’t happen and then the moment doesn’t happen.
True Motivation Rises up From Why
There are many times when we need the boost of true motivation to help us push through the hard or the inertia. We often think of motivational speakers or motivational quotes as being a great source for the push. It’s because they engage our emotions – they make us “feel” like we want to push through or “feel” shamed because we don’t want to. But Fogg is on to something when he cautions against waiting for this “feeling” to hit.
There are three kinds of true motivations that run deeper than waiting for the “feeling” to arrive and they are all based on knowing why you want to make the change. The most sustainable why is to feel good about what you’re doing.
- It’s got to be meaningful to you – maybe to others too, but definitely to you
- It’s got to be something you want to learn about and master
- It’s got to feel good along the way
Be True to You
You can count on your motivation when you’re changing for yourself. You have to see, feel and taste how awesome your life will be when you get this thing handled.
Sometimes we think that making big changes will buy us something we don’t already have. Things like confidence, love, respect and self-worth. In this case you’re dancing with your anxiety. Look deeply into the goal to see if you’re being influenced by the people around you and your environment to think you want something different.
Don’t choose a goal that is popular with the cool kids only to achieve it and feel like you’ve just done it to fit in. Choose a goal that is aligned with how you want to feel in your days and your life.
Be a Student of Your Success
Your success will change your life and who you know yourself to be. The things you learn along the way will be transformational. The successes will teach you as much, if not more, than the failures. Grit is what will see you through.
If you’ve outsourced the mastery part of your goal you may reach an endpoint that you’re happy with but you won’t really know how to keep it. I think some of the weight loss programs create this result. You can follow the program and get the results but you won’t have discovered what your body really responds to. You’ll be dependent on someone else’s process for success. A deeper, more satisfying success comes from learning how to make the change for yourself.
Make Feeling Good the Goal
Danielle LaPorte is on to something here with her Desire Map. Her approach makes the assumption that it will be easier to put in the grit and hard work if the goal makes you feel good along the way. If you understand that your deepest desire is to feel more connected – to people and life – then it becomes clear that working two jobs to buy a bigger house isn’t going to get that done.
This is a deeper and more sustainable kind of “feeling”. I don’t think anyone ever wakes up at 5 am and “feels” like they want to put on their runners and head out the door. But the connection with nature that you get when the sun starts to rise on a fresh new day is a very motivating kind of feeling.
How do you stay motivated to make the kinds of changes you want to?
Posted by Deirdre Walsh
Image by iStockphoto
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by Deirdre | Jan 23, 2014 | Mindful living
Resolutions are like beauty – the value lies in the eye of the beholder. Maybe you want to integrate new practices or habits that will change the “look” of your life. Big changes that will show up in a tangible way. Or it could be that you want to change the “feel” of your life. Much stays the same but you savor it more.
More often than not it goes one of two ways:
Scenario One
You find a process, learn some skills and make room in your day to practice the new process. Day follows day. You stay pretty much on track. At some point in the future you have a result that you’re really, really proud of.
Scenario Two
You find a process, learn some skills and make room in your day to practice the new process. Day follows day. You fall off track on day 4 or 5. You run conversations in your head about all the times you’ve tried things and they didn’t work. You rationalize why it was a stupid idea in the first place. You feel a bit negative towards the people who’ve mastered this goal. You feel even more negative towards yourself.
Each scenario has its own set of challenges and its own approach for success. Most of us want to initiate action in our lives and see results — we dream of Scenario One. But what we mostly experience is Scenario Two.
And one truth shows up quickly . . .
it’s amazing how fast Scenario One turns into Scenario Two, isn’t it?
This has been the work of BJ Fogg, director of the Persuasive Tech Lab at Stanford. He and his students developed a formula that helps you tweak your habits:
Habit or Behavior = Trigger + (Motivation + Ability)
That’s a smarty-pants way of saying that your motivation and ability (know how) will get the job done, as long as you remember to do it. You may want to go out for a run at the end of the day. You may have all the groovy gear. But if you don’t remember and make it easy to get out the door it’s less likely to happen.
The Wildcard is Motivation
The biggest difference between the two scenarios is how well we understand our motivations. When we’re clear on our motivation we can set up the triggers and tools to take us to our goal. If we’re not clear — and we have competing motivations we don’t completely understand — we’ll slump into Scenario Two once our willpower is exhausted.
So how can we spend more time in Scenario One?
So let’s imagine for a moment that your motivations are clear. Make your plan, brush up on your skills and knowledge, and then set yourself some triggers and reminders to nudge you to the habit. When you start seeing results you’ll stick to the program. You’re just some period of time away from success. Maybe a few weeks or months, but you’ll get there.
Start with a very small, minute version of your habit. If you want to floss your teeth regularly you start with one tooth. The important task is to get a beachhead for the habit and grow it from there. Trust yourself that if you can floss one tooth today you will be able to floss all of them in the near future. Just make the habit stick first.
Pull the trigger
Jerry Seinfeld has one of the simplest trigger systems going. He puts a big calendar on the wall and he puts a big red X on every day that he writes. He explained:
“After a few days you’ll have a chain. Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job is to not break the chain.”
If calendars aren’t your thing, your smartphone can become your best, naggiest friend. I’ve been using an app called Lift.do that is a version of “don’t break the chain.” It reminds me every day of my commitment and keeps track of when I do it. You can do it with friends who will cheer you on and keep you honest. There is also a whole bunch of already-existing programs that you can jump into and just follow (I’m doing planks every day).
If you’ve done all this and you are still lurching into Scenario Two there is most likely a disconnect between what you think you want and what you really want. I’ll touch on that nest of bees next time.
Posted by Deirdre Walsh
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by Deirdre | Jan 15, 2014 | Mindful living
What is it about this time of year that brings about a rush of resolution?
Or maybe that’s just me. By December 28th the idea of “less is more” always seems like a good idea. I’m ready to slow down and turn inward. To let go of the excess. To remember what it’s like to savor rather than shovel.
But I’ve been to this New Year’s rodeo enough times to know that if I set a resolution because I feel terrible one day it’s doomed to lead nowhere.
We’ve just about reached the point where the initial flush of enthusiasm for our new goals is waning and the challenge of change is getting real. And make no mistake – change is hard. Or, to be real, life-changing, sustainable change is hard.
What is the why behind the how?
If you’re thinking about making changes to your health it’s important to understand what you’re after. Is it to feel better in your body? Do you want to enjoy your days with a peaceful mind? Is it to influence some numbers from your last set of blood tests? Has pain become a bigger part of your daily experience?
A mindful approach to change starts with where you are right now. It can be uncomfortable, dare I say painful, to take a clear-eyed look at this. But if life has handed you some big things to deal with in 2013 – and it did for many people – you had to shift your attention from your good habits for a while. So cut yourself some slack (or practice self-compassion, as it’s called in the mindfulness biz.)
Create sustainable change that makes you feel like a superstar
It’s important to create a plan based on the body you have today. What can you take on given your level of energy, strength and stamina?
Speaking of plans – don’t plan for your feelings to be your GPS. You’re going to feel uncomfortable and incompetent as often as you feel strong and amazing. Be with each of the feelings and honor what it has to tell you. But don’t let any single feeling become the spokesperson. If you get the winter blues then your feelings may guide you to hibernation. Listen to your instincts to rest, but incorporate weekly progress into a sustainable plan.
Be grateful for the good habits you already have. Let me say that again – be grateful for the good habits you already have.
Add a balance of four elements to your healthy plan – exercise, sleep, diet, and mindfulness. Exercise is so helpful to stimulate the body’s rebuilding machinery. It also does wonders for your mood (like clinically significant, side-effect free wonders). Good, regular sleep is when you rebuild. The building blocks come from a diet filled with fresh, whole foods. Shifting away from processed foods reduces a lot of busywork for your digestive system. And finally, mindfulness does so much to restore your brain and nervous system, letting the whole system work smarter.
Don’t take things to the extreme. This goes back to working with your body where it is today. Our bodies are designed to find balance. When we make extreme changes we can get ourselves into a “un-balance” as unwanted as the other one. Like this — a lot of raw juicing with spinach and cabbage can slow down your thyroid and your metabolism. Jumping into the kind of workout you did five years ago (when we were in shape – remember when we were in shape??) can cause no end of trouble to your joints and connective tissue.
The key to sustainable success is a small, daily step that you turn into a habit. I’ve been playing with an online tracking program called Lift.do. It helps you track your daily habits with a few cool features and some great simple programs to join. I’ll get more into the science of Lift next time.
Posted by Deirdre Walsh, Image: iStockphoto
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by Deirdre | Nov 22, 2013 | Mindful living
Christmas is on the horizon. So is a touch of insanity.
Each year it all starts so well, with the shiny promise of a light, love, sparkles and generosity. And we get there. We do get there. It’s just the road between here and there gets a little bumpy. Or teeth-grindey. Or tear-laden. Or something like that.
I get pre-stress stress. Nothing’s even happening yet and I’m feeling tense and my shoulders are heavier. I know the amount of work it takes to get this holiday shiny and bright. I’ve been to this rodeo before. Dreading being tired causes more trouble than just being tired. I’m tired in advance. See what I said – insanity.
Within a day or two of launching the season I feel horribly behind. And I can’t have fun until the work is done. And, as we all know, the work is never done. There’s always a quick refresh of your home to do, a handmade this or that to make, a new stylish something or other and an extra special touch for your extra special loves.
A peak moment – one for the album – happened a few years ago when a friend arrived to pick me up for a Christmas brunch. I came to the door, sobbing. She was immediately concerned, assuming this level of meltdown meant something really terrible had happened. She was ready to help. I sputtered and sobbed and with racked breath I was finally able to get out, “I don’t have cookies to bring.” She gave me a quizzical look and a second chance to share this horrible misfortune that had befallen me. “I was going to bring cookies, and I don’t have them to bring.” She leaned back as if I was going to infect her and said, “Girl, this is what crazy looks like.”
So, what happens to lose perspective to such an laughable degree? It’s a serious over-use and abuse of my nervous system. Here’s the list of too much: demands, events, tasks, ambitions, self-imposed pressure. Here’s the list of too little: quiet, restoration, living in the moment, time-outs. All the “too much” causes a continuous triggering of the stress response and my poor nervous system doesn’t have time to balance and restore. I can’t tell what’s a real danger and what’s normal anymore. My stress alarm system is clanging away to the slightest whiff.
There are specific exercises you can do to trigger your relaxation response to stay in balance. It’s just at Christmas, with the excitement of all the activity, those moments and exercises are the first to go to make room for more, more, more.
One of my mentors, Dr. Jeffrey Brantley, has some ideas to fit the relaxation response into the busy times. He was our meditation teacher at Duke, and his kindly manner was the perfect invitation to giving mindfulness a try.
During the holiday season, give yourself time each day for rest and play. You may need to schedule this, just as you would schedule a meeting or a lunch date with a friend. Also, learn to use the time you are waiting for something or someone as “free time.” Practice being mindful and connecting and being present through paying gentle attention during these times.
Posted by Deirdre Walsh, Image: Deirdre Walsh
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by Deirdre | Sep 7, 2013 | Mindful living
It was the windswept grey curls swirling over the headrest in the gorgeous cream VW Bug that caught my eye. They were two sisters I think, well into their seventies, laughing uproariously and catching the rays. We tracked our progress together for a few miles and I was able to see how much they were enjoying themselves. There was something very palpable in how comfortable they were with themselves. They could have been 17, could have been 35 – they just happened to be 75. Their energy seemed ageless. They were enjoying the hell out of who they are right now.
I was driving home from a client session that had buzzed with laughter and potential. My client has turned a corner. Over the last few months she’s put in the work of starting a mindfulness practice that held promise but not much immediate gratification. She took a chance on herself – putting in time and effort when there was no guarantee of reward. She did it because she knew she was ready for more.
Most of us live at about 60% of what we’re fully capable of. A lot of time it’s because we worry about what change will bring. Can we handle what comes up? Will we need to let go of what we’ve worked so hard to get? But the process of life is growth and change. Eventually the tension of staying still gets cramped and energy draining. We’re pushed into action when discomfort of staying in place gets bigger than the fear of the unknown.
My client put in the work and got the victory. She was tired of living with the feeling of overwhelm. She saw how it was interfering with her happiness and the happiness of her important people. The problem with worry and overwhelm is that they take up space and keep us at 60%. She learned with mindfulness to see worry for what it is — one of many things we listen to when we’re moving forward.
Now she’s ready for a new experience – to consciously write the story for the life that comes next. A story that creates forward movement, not the “looping back to the same place” kind of movement. A story that capitalizes on her strengths, likes, values and accomplishments. A story that will unfold over time. A story where she becomes the hero of her own life.
Seeing those sisters made me imagine my client and her friend 30 years from now – sporting a different look but buzzing with the same kind of energy. They’re sharing the enjoyment of a life lived with gusto. And she’s laughs with ease because she lived life on her own terms. She became the hero of her own life.
You know where you are and what it’s taken to get here. Is it time to figure out how to grow past your 60%?
Posted by Deirdre Walsh
Image: Deirdre Walsh
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