Our Real Possessions

Our Real Possessions

by | Mar 10, 2016 | Mindful living

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely. ~~ Karen Kaiser Clark
 
Change is part of life and life is continual change. We can’t separate the two. We work and work to get things tidy, predictable, manageable, and dependable. Steady income – check. Dependable relationships – check. Feeling healthy and energetic – check. We want to organize those routines of life and have them stay steady so we can polish, shine and grow upward.
 
We can get discouraged when our steady foundation gets rocked by change. It’s like having to spend money on the non-glam projects during a house renovation – the furnace, roofing, insulation – when we are craving to be picking colors and matching fabric swatches. Ever notice how the really fun home shows on TV do not involve price-checking furnaces? They’re more often about swanning around town, figuring out which chandelier will match our new loveseat.
 
Grow up and grow down
 
It’s because we judge each other on all the shiny stuff. With that desire to look like we’ve made it in life – to have all the shiny stuff – we can sometimes overlook when our foundation needs help. It’s important to grow upward to the things that bring happiness and a smile. But it’s also important to grow downward to develop and nourish our roots.
 
As much as we love our shiny possessions, it’s only our roots that we truly have control over. The shiny things, the dependable relationships, the steady income all come and go. This became very clear to me last month at a mindfulness retreat with Thich Nhat Hahn, a Buddhist monk. (He was a pivotal teacher for Martin Luther King Jr. on his journey to peaceful resistance. He’s 87 and can teach without notes, cross-legged on a cushion, for 2 hours without skipping a beat.)
 
I attended a talk about handling change with resilience. He compared change and loss to a windstorm passing through a forest. (The Buddhist teachings use a lot of imagery from nature.) All the trees may lose the beauty of their leaves and branches in the storm but it’s those with the deepest roots that will recover to bloom again.
 
Growing our roots
 
We can’t control when the storms arrive and what they take with them. But we have three roots that we can nurture – areas to cultivate that will sustain us in the storms:

  • the way we treat our body – do we listen to our bodies and treat them with care?
  • how we express ourselves – do the words we use with others and the energy and attitude we bring to our relationships make a positive difference?
  • how we work with our thinking – do we recognize the good and the positive in our lives and focus on what’s working?

 
There was a lot of discussion in the group about the most painful changes in life. And while people talked about jobs and possessions, it’s the people who were compassionate with us when we felt vulnerable that stay with us forever. We all agreed that they were missed more for their kind words and loving natures than any material possession they had.
 
Pass it on
 
We can sustain the memory of their goodness and compassion by cultivating compassion for others and ourselves. When the winds of change are howling, how do you treat yourself and others? Do you let the stress and discomfort get to you? Do you neglect yourself? Or do you treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that others have in the past?
 
Kristin Neff is a leading researcher in the area of self-compassion. Her work is based on the idea that we are healthier and more in touch with our humanity when we can be compassionate towards ourselves in the difficult times of life. You can find out more about her work here.  Here’s one of her exercises to help you explore self-compassion:


How do you typically react to yourself?

  • What types of things do you typically judge and criticize yourself for (appearance, career, relationships, parenting, etc.)?
  • What type of language do you use with yourself when you notice some flaw or make a mistake (do you insult yourself, or do you take a more kind and understanding tone)?
  • When you are being highly self-critical, how does this make you feel inside?
  • When you notice something about yourself you don’t like, do you tend to feel cut off from others, or do you feel connected with your fellow humans who are also imperfect?
  • What are the consequences of being so hard on yourself?  Does it make you more motivated and happy, or discouraged and depressed?
  • How do you think you would feel if you could truly love and accept yourself exactly as you are?  Does this possibility scare you, give you hope, or both?

 

 

Image: iStockphoto

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Don’t Resolve. Let Your Heart Leap Instead.

Don’t Resolve. Let Your Heart Leap Instead.

by | Jan 9, 2016 | Blog, Healthy Mind, Inspired Living, Resilient Mindset

We’re at that time of year again when the world is full of people who want to help us fix ourselves.

Have you noticed that many New Years’ resolutions have a scolding tone of voice? No more desserts for you until you’ve cleaned up your exercise routine, young lady. I told you not to spend so much over the holidays, young man. Now go clean that mess up!

Let’s try a different approach, shall we? Let’s go carrot instead of stick.*

Something New for 2016

I am entering 2016 from a different angle and I invite you to come along for the ride. I’m going to frame out the year through a series of 25 questions that ponder some of life’s intriguing questions. With that 25 questions I’m going to create 100 things – blog posts, webinars, courses, doodles, photos, etc. Anything that helps me express my ideas and experiences about that question. A different question every two weeks. I’ll be diving into the questions with clients, posting on Facebook, tweeting, journalling, Instagramming, creating and checking in with people around me.

Where did this idea come from? Almost out of the blue. I casually joined a group called Quest2015 in early December. I thought it was a group business planning exercise, and it was. What caught my eye initially was a 10% discount for an erasable calendar. I thought it would be great for planning the year out. This makes me laugh now.

Open Wonder

My whole sense of what is possible in life was cracked open in December. I know, I know. That’s a pretty big statement. And we hear phrases like that all the time for some pretty mundane events. But it was a real game-changer, to quote the biz types.

Through small doors come life-changing experiences. Jeffrey Davis, of Tracking Wonder, put out the invitation to business artists to use 12 prompts from a group of innovative thinkers to dive deeper into the why of our businesses. I knew, and had an intellectual crush, on quite a few of them. How could I say no?

One of the early prompts was from Pam Houston. She is the author of four books, including novel Contents May Have Shifted and short stories Cowboys Are My Weakness. I haven’t read her work (soon to be fixed) but others call her beloved and insanely talented. She is Professor of English at UC Davis, directs the literary nonprofit Writing by Writers, and teaches in the Pacific University low residency MFA program.

She asked us to sit quietly and ask yourself, what in the last day or week or month has made your heart leap up? Not what should, or might or always had, but what did. Make that list. Be honest, even if it surprises you. Keep the list with you this month. Add to it when it happens. Train yourself to notice. Then ask your self today, how can I arrange my life to get more of those heart leaps in it?

My Leap

This thing made my heart leap when my husband hung it before Christmas.

Shiny Christmas Wreath_Deirdre Walsh

And it made my heart leap every time I stepped out the door and I’d forgotten that was there. Why?

Well, it’s shiny and pretty — and I love shiny things. I used to make things like this all the time but I stopped. Life got kind of serious and difficult and I forgot about making things. Then it got busy and making shiny things was frivolous. And often I was too tired to make things. More spiritually than physically.

And I finished it! I started with a hula hoop, some pool noodles, duct tape and a crapload of ornaments. Now it’s a circle of shininess. Sometimes there were balls on the ground and I knew that the squirrels had taken it for a spin. That makes my heart happy. I’d just put them back on for their next spin.

My heart leaps because I have a sense of getting a ‘next time’ to spin on the shiny circle again myself. Making that shiny circle of Christmas sparkliness seemed to herald a return to energy and possibility. Here’s what’s on my list . . .

Dive into sensual pleasures. Movement that nourishes. Joy in others. The beauty of nature. Giving love away like it’s a bottomless pool. Laughing with friends until you cry or spit or expel something. Pretty things that please the eye. Good music. Deeply connecting with others. Seeing people grow into their potential. Remembering warm times from the past. Making things. Writing things. Cooking things. 
 

January is a tricky time of year. There’s a natural settling in that comes from the lead of winter. Many of our animal brethren are hibernating and the song of cozy sings. For those who are internal and introspective there can be too much burrowing in and losing contact with the pleasures and joys of nature and connection. To much disconnection from the beauty that life offers if we can see it.

I find my body gets so out of synch over Christmas that a sense of depression falls on it by the end of the month. And with my body goes my mind. Adopting the “New Year’s resolutions” of healthy eating and exercise is more about restoring mental and physical balance than losing weight or changing a size. I want to restore the connection to my nourishing inner life.

Nourish Yourself

Sometimes I have trouble recognizing the things that make my heart leap, even with the return of healthy kindness to my body. Then I turn to another two of my intellectual crushes — Rick Hanson and Barbara Fredericton. I’ve been very lucky to meet both of them and was dweeby when I did.

Rick Hanson wrote Hardwiring Happiness, which is filled with practical mindfulness practices that help your brain balance it’s tendency to see the negative. Barbara Frederickson is a researcher and professor of psychology at UNC at Chapel Hill.  Her research reveals how positive emotions, fleeting as they are, can tip the scales toward a life of flourishing. Her Positivity website is a good place to start and has a handy app that helps you see where your emotions are at.

Barbara Frederickson

This is a perfect time for journalling and visiting with yourself. Ask — where does your heart leap? Pull out your pictures from last year. As you leaf or page through, remember the moments that your heart leapt. As you have a few moments of quiet let your mind wander to the times of pleasure, happiness and joy. Make a list of the important people in your life and write down those heart leaping experiences with them. Then do the same for those times you shared with strangers. Anything that brings you back to the joys of 2014. Let your mind and heart take you from there.

Joy_Deirdre WalshI divide my experiences into pleasure, happiness, and joy. For me, pleasure is a personal experience. Some delicious chocolate, a good meal, a nice glass of wine. Happiness is a harmony thing. The moments with family and friends of warmth, successes, connection, brightness and order make me happy. Joy comes from a larger place, a place where I can witness the unfolding of what is beautiful and right in the world.

*Not to say that stick doesn’t have it’s place. Sometimes the stick of a deadline or a promise is just what will keep you chugging along. But it’s a heavy-handed tool and you’re much more treasured than that.

Photo:  Love joy_ Dave Parker CC 2.0

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Joy, Love and Food

by | Dec 2, 2015 | Healthy Mind

Let’s raise a glass to the season of joy, love, and food. Cookie swaps, cheese trays, turkey dinners, cocktails and fruit cakes, shall we? I mean, what would the holidays look like if we didn’t have food to bring us together? Time for some mindful eating?

Food is a social lubricant that plays so many roles – it brings us together, distracts us, soothes us, entertains us, numbs us or lets us shine. So many uses, yet so many places to find ourselves overwhelmed. Hands up everyone who hits mid-December and thinks, “If I eat another bite I’ll explode!”

We can’t avoid the season of excess, so it’s important to come to peace with it. This year I’m proposing an unlikely answer to Christmas excess. Perhaps the tools of mindfulness — mindful eating in this instance — can help us have a simpler, more peaceful holiday.

Mindful Eating

I am a late-comer to mindful eating. When I first learned about mindful eating at Duke it left me cold. Our class had reconvened in North Carolina after our first month of training. We were full of joy and excitement to see each other and share our new perspectives and experiences as budding coaches. We dutifully waited through our morning classes to catch up at lunch, only to discover that we were going to have a ‘mindful lunch’. It was a silent meal with no interaction. We focussed on our bland cafeteria food as we glanced anywhere in the room away from each other.

Blech.

Still, I keep hearing good things about mindful eating. Like more enjoyment from your food, or weight maintenance or balanced eating. From my own experience, I can tell exactly where my emotional and mental state is by how I’m eating. Am I under deadline pressure? Then I’m bolting down my food. Am I worried or feeling emotionally vulnerable? Then I’m eating chocolate at night. Am I relaxed and happy? Then I’m on Yummly, exploring new recipes for dinner deliciousness.

So if silent eating with endless chewing isn’t my thing, where can I find the gold in mindful eating?

I’ve decided to see if paying attention to my Christmas treats can open up the joy and connection of the season. I want to see if it’s possible to shift my perspective about holiday food from being a management project to a treat to savour.

Here are three ways to check in:

Tune into your Senses

Think about getting ready to eat at a holiday event. Perhaps you’re helping yourself at a buffet table or enjoying a glass of wine and some cheese at a cocktail party. Take a moment to run through the different sensory experiences you are having with your food.

    • What does the food look like? Are the colours harmonious, striking, or bland? Are there different shapes in the same dish? What about the sizes of the ingredients?
    • Take a sniff and see if you can almost taste the food without biting it. If I’m offered a good glass of red wine I’ll take four or five deep inhales before my first sip. It enhances the flavour so much.
    • When you take your first bite be a detective for the different flavours. Do sweet and salty co-exist in one bite? Can you sense the flavour of the different ingredients? Does the outside of the bite taste the same as the inside?
    • If it’s finger food, can you feel the temperature or texture of the food?
    • How does it sound when you chew? Is there that wonderfully satisfying crunch when you bite in?

Don’t take more than a short moment to run through your senses. Try to avoid comparing your experience with others you’ve had in the past. If it’s a traditional family dish, don’t dwell too long on whether it was better last year or not. Stay in the present and notice what’s going on at the moment.

Thank the Cook

Take another moment to think about where the food came from. If it’s a potluck, do you know who brought the dish? Is it your host’s go-to favourite for parties? Maybe there’s a way to make a pleasant connection with someone over their cooking talents.

Do a Regular Check-in

Check in with how hungry you are on a regular basis. And how satisfied. Give your hunger a number on the range of one being ravenously hungry and ten being painfully full. A great rule of thumb is to stay between four and eight – not too hungry and not too full. Then think about how satisfied you are with what you’ve eaten. I know I’ve tried substituting a healthier food for something I’m craving, only to finally break down and just eat the food I’m craving. For me, an apple doesn’t satisfy the craving for chocolate. It’s almost always better to be satisfied by a mindful experience of chocolate than to eat three apples and then a chocolate bar.

Short bursts of mindful eating will help you tune into the wonderful parts of the season. If you’re having trouble applying these three principles to your eating, perhaps it’s a sign that you’re getting overwhelmed by your holiday schedule. Take some time out to take care of yourself.

I’m looking forward to English trifle (one of my mother’s recipes), gingerbread cookies (courtesy of Martha) and some smooth Italian red wine. What’s your favourite holiday treat?

Your Most Important Relationship

Your Most Important Relationship

by | Mar 8, 2015 | Inspired Living, Resilient Mindset

“Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” – G. K. Chesterton

Quick. Think of your most important relationship. Is it partner, kids, an inspiring friend, a parent, a mentor at work? Think again. What about the relationship you have with the voice in your mind? How harmonious is that relationship for you? Kudos if you have developed an equally great relationship with your inner critic and your inner champion.

If you’re like most of us you probably want to give that critical voice a Xanax and move on. What a trickster and killjoy it can be! But when we don’t develop a good relationship with this voice it starts running the show. We cut ourselves off from what we’re capable of. It stops us from reaching out to other people. It preaches perfection.

I think what GK Chesterton is arguing is that most of life doesn’t require all that much precision. It’s better to show up regularly with a decent effort than to flame and then crash. There’s a lot to be said for doing “just enough” for your responsibilities and saving some time for restorative and nurturing pleasure. Your inner champion knows this.

Who’s Voice?

How does your inner critic treat you? Does the voice show up to remind you that you’re not all that and stop you from exploring your talents? Maybe you are acutely aware of critical comments people make about you. Do you remember every slight or casual comment as a barb? Or perhaps you have mindlessly followed the path others have laid out for you, unsure of yourself and your ability to choose the right path for yourself.

Over the years women have shared their inner critic stories with me:

  • My inner critic is a gorgeous model in fantastic shape. She is organized, energetic, motivated and great at everything she does.
  • Mine is a crazy wild child who is somewhat spoiled. She is loud and spontaneous. When she wants my full and undivided attention she sings loudly.
  • Mine lives on a farm. She’s always trying to rope me in and keep me from “going for it”.
  • Mine is an old woman, 30 or 40 years years older than me. She’s always complaining that I have neglected her dreams, desires and wishes.
  • Mine is a doctor, forever evaluating and assessing. She’s looking for what is wrong to fix it. All she sees is the worse case scenario.
  • Mine often tells me if I can’t do some thing perfectly, then it’s not worth doing.
  • Mine is a stern pinched judgmental old woman who is always taking me to task for making poor choices or not being perfect in every way.

Doesn’t that make you tired just reading it???

Sadly, ignoring the critical voice just doesn’t work. First, it falls out of touch with reality. You locked it away and it hasn’t watched you grow up. Remember when you were a kid and your parents’ friends came over. They couldn’t stop themselves from saying how much you’d grown, how tall you were, how grown up you were now. You’d roll your eyes and know, with the pure conviction of a child, that you were never going to be that lame when you grew up.

Guess again. When you don’t stay in relationship with your inner critic it turns into one of those lame adults. When you don’t really take in your accomplishments and share them with the voice you are not integrating everything you learn in life. The voice needs new ways to get your attention. It has to get really loud to catch your attention. And when loud doesn’t work then it gets nasty.

Signs that you’ve been ignoring the voice for too long

 

Cloud 1

Get to Know Both Voices

It may not seem like it but you can influence whether you hear your inner critic or your inner champion more clearly. Your inner critic is louder so you have to listen harder for your inner champion.

Acknowledge your inner critic

Thank them for keeping you safe, even if they overdo it sometimes. More gold stars if you can learn to give thanks for your inner critic and how they may have stopped you from doing something really stupid at least once.

Check your stress level

Your body may already under a lot of stress. Perhaps you notice that you’re craving more sugar or drinking more coffee. You may be snappish with people around you and feel like you’re under more pressure than usual. Your inner critic is going to be louder and more negative when this is going on. Do some breathing exercises and coax your mind back into calmness. Then see if you can take a break, go for a walk or schedule some R&R. Your inner champion goes under cover when you’re stressed.

Explore what’s triggering your inner critic

What is your inner critic trying to protect you from? There’s an underlying seed of something that is triggering it. Do some journalling about where you are stuck. See if you can put some behaviours together with your inner critic. Do you procrastinate? Avoid new challenges? Avoid certain people? See what you’re not doing because you want to avoid your inner critic.

Remember what’s important to you

Keep a reminder of your big picture nearby. This is where your inner champion knows the score. What is the real contribution you’re trying to make? Who will it help? What do they really need? Keeping in touch with your own personal why can help you tiptoe through the stories and consequences that your inner critic is throwing around.

Who says?

Maybe your inner critic is worried about you breaking the rules. We’re taught a lot of rules along the way that we realize later are just opinions. Or maybe the rule that was important once but not now. When you pause to ask ‘who says?’ it gives you a moment to sort through whose rule this is and whether it belongs to you anymore.

Create an advisory board

Find some of your biggest supporters — your outer champions. Find people you admire and aspire to be like. People whose values you admire. Form an informal advisory board that meets in person or just in your head. When you have something big to do and your inner critic is getting in the way you can turn to them for advice. They can give you a balanced perspective on your strengths and weaknesses.

Image: Listen to your inner voice by BrewingColors under Creative Commons 2.0

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A Time to Dream, A Time to Do

by | Apr 4, 2014 | Blog, Healthy Mind

There is a time for dreaming and a time for doing.

The art is in knowing the difference.

When it’s time for change and setting goals the call comes in different ways. Some calls ask first to be dreamt into existence. Dreaming is part of an active creation process. It’s a fun place because you live in the world of possibilities.

Something marvellous forms itself in your vision. You imagine new twists and turns — a new development in your story. You have a new excitement about life. Anything can happen if you’re open to it.

Wake Up and Get Ready

Other calls come with a to-do list already attached. You go from step one to step fifty and, voila, you’re there. You organize yourself, then learn the path, and refine the skills you need to succeed. Things like math or music or web development are like this.

When you’re young you learn many skills to become a ‘better’ adult. The cool thing about skills is that they can circle back to dreaming again — different skills let you express your vision in unique ways.

The two approaches call for very different mindsets and practices. Your brain will be wired to favour one over the other.

The wise ones learn to cultivate both.

Learn to Dream

One of the best guides I’ve found for creating the practices that will stimulate creativity is Todd Henry of the Accidental Creative. The short version of his ‘rules for a creative life’ are:

  • Keep your focus to three creative priorities. Let your ideas marinate.
  • Build relationships that spark your creativity and hold you accountable. Don’t think friends – think mentors, friendly competitors, inspiration.
  • Manage your energy wisely – leave buffers between events to absorb and be present to what’s happening. Keep burnouts to a minimum.
  • Be really choosy about the stimulus you take in from media and social media. Garbage in, garbage out.
  • Trust your instincts.

Practice Make Perfect

If it’s the skill of learning skills that you need then don’t look any further than Canada’s singing astronaut, Chris Hadfield.

His memoir, An Astronaut’s Guide To Life On Earth, is a hymn to the joy of preparedness, over-preparedness and obsessive attention to detail. Of course, riding what is basically a large bomb into space will do that. His rules for success are:

  • Sweat the small stuff.
  • Plan and test. Fix what went wrong. Plan and test that. Do it again and again.
  • Figure out what could have gone wrong but didn’t. Make a plan and test that.
  • Make a checklist for all the plans that worked, all the plans that didn’t work and all the plans that might not work.
  • Practice, practice, practice the all the skills on every checklist.
  • Don’t trust your instincts.

All Together Now

Now, for a moment, let’s think about how we could use these two complementary mindsets to the goal of losing weight.

The creative part of the process might look like this:

  • Scope out Pinterest to find new and innovative ways to cook spring vegetables.
  • Learn to make artisanal bone broth to stimulate your soup making.
  • Practice different ways of eating – vegan, paleo, Mediterranean – to see what gives you most energy.
  • Find forums of similar people and find out what they’re doing.
  • Explore different ways of eating, like mindful eating, to see how your habits affect your weight.

The skill-based part of the process might look like this:

  • Sit down on Sunday night and make your meal plans.
  • Use an online tracker with reminders as an interactive checklist.
  • Plan for the times during the week when your plans will not work.
  • Write a checklist for all your plans so you don’t have to make it up on the spot.
  • Make a lot of ‘if this happens, then I will do that’rules for your behaviour like ‘if I’m home late from work, then I’ll cook one of the frozen meals I made on the weekend’.

How could you apply these two approaches to something you want in life?

Posted by Deirdre Walsh